The Book of Nine Balls Ch. 3: Prodigal Prose

In the previous installment: Our hero faced another blow of frustration as he faced the gruesome reality of underachievement. His nemesis, the Industry, has left him wanting - their paltry offerings fall short of reaching a fair distance for the investment of time. Even in the face of their trechery, the hero moves onto his next quest...

* You may have noticed by this time from my ramblings, if not this one then perhaps from one of my previous exercises in brilliant, topical social commentary, that I have a particular writing style. I can be eloquent, yet engaging...clever, yet consummate...tangential, yet topical. I wish I could say the same for any number of music critics. I have been reading a fair amount of publications about the current music environment, specifically Rolling Stone. Firstly, I read because...well, it's free; Nikki had some points that she had to spend on magazine subscriptions. A lot of unnecessary exposition later...we get the magazine now. Secondly, I have felt disconnected from my ex (that being music - we are kinda in a complicated place lately) so this has allowed me to she what she's been up to without directly dealing with her shit unless I decide to. And I must confess, I have found Rolling Stone to be both interesting and informative, until... *bows head, placing his thumb and index finger on either side of his nose as he shakes his head slowly in negation* I read the reviews.

I understand that the music audience is a collection of intelligent, artistic personalities. I also understand that many journalists are stronger writers than the general public. BUT, what is the point of using language that is not...well...useful? I can appreciate the use of metaphor, simile, and other comparative, descriptive devices, but there are limits of applicability. Half of the time, I have no clue what the hell the critic is talking about; even more often, I forget that they are trying - no, let me clarify trying - to describe an album. Not quite sure what I mean? Let me give you an example: I read a review recently of Over the Years and Through the Woods, the latest album from Queens of the Stone Age that had this exact quote...

"...fourteen songs...that jam together sunbaked psychedelia, winding metal riffs and elegantly wasted vocals."

Let us take a moment to reflect upon this... *takes a sip of his libation, leans back in his comfortable reclining chair, crosses his right leg perpendicular to his left, and strokes his shaggy chin, pondering...meditating...* Let me start off by saying that I do consider myself to be a learned man, a member of the academic community. Hence, I know what words mean; if I do not, and sometimes I do not - I know where to go in order to familiarize myself with new vocabulary. Additionally, I understand the creative process and its results - the clever, deliberate pairing of words, subtext, sarcasm, paradox...I see that you understand this. Ignoring what I believe is a typographical error (the printed review has "psychedelia" as opposed to "psychedelica"), I must be honest with all of you - I have no fucking idea what this person is trying to convey. I feel as clueless reading this sentence as I do reading Toni Morrison (I do not have anything against Ms. Morrison - I just don't understand a damn thing the woman is writing about). Let me translate this as I read it: The songs combine a laid-back, carefree vibe; strong guitar elements that are loud, powerful, and intense with fluctuations in tone; and concise, grateful lyrical content that is unnecessary and pointless. Did anyone else come up with this? *looks around the room, searching for someone else who got "B" for number 16* Now that we have collectively decided what the sentence means in less "flowery" terms, now we must devise how these words apply. You know what...my rant here is getting lengthy, so much so that I may have to split this into multiple installments like Kill Bill. Let's cut to the finale...those words mean nothing to me when I am trying to decide if I am interested in an album. Admittedly it is more descriptive than saying "it's loud and fast and hard but in a gentle way." However, that doesn't mean that it's describing the album in question. Simply...it doesn't apply; the words need to fit the situation. I am all for eloquence, but let's be realistic. I have listened to Queens of the Stone Age before; never ONCE did I think "sunbaked psychedelica." Shit - I have never thought laid-back when listening to QotSA. I think...oh, I don't know...metal: hard, cold, strong, heavy, imposing - words that reflect characteristics of, like, M-E-T-A-L. So that is what I would tell you if I were writing the review or just telling you about it. But obviously I lack the artistic vision to be able to express the subtle nuance of symphonic guitar composition, rife with cathartic rhythmic percussion. But maybe it's just me.

Still going...